Whenever you feel a tight knot in your chest and think about ending your life.

Now listen to me closely, Rayhan.

I know precisely how you feel inside. The fact that I am you, and you are me. We are essentially the same person separated by the dimension called time. And because we know each other very well, I hope we can understand each other. Even if you're entirely alone in this world, remember you still got me. We can help and assist each other. Trust me, I've been there and I manage to get ahold of myself. Now take my hands and look into my eyes. We are going to face this harsh reality together, you and me. One by one, brick by brick. Don't look back or far ahead, just focus on taking a single step at a time. It will only take a minute or two to finish this text.

It hurts right? When the thoughts keep coming back endlessly, making you wonder how long it would last. You get swoop by the hurricane and fall into a bottomless pit of remorse. The past haunts you, the mistakes you deliberately chose, the wrongdoings you committed, and the people you hurt and disappointed. You keep questioning yourself, why are you so inhuman and evil? Why did you never consider that the thing you do would make deep scars in their lives? Why did you even do it in the first place? You don't know the answer itself and the feeling of self-hatred, self-disgust just got bigger every time you think about it. You want to change it so bad, you want to undo your life and rewrite what has already passed, and you trapped there, thinking millions of other possibilities if you just do the right thing or simply didn't do anything at all. You believe that once you did that, there is no going back. You believe that you will be a liar, a cheater, a monster for the rest of your life. You believe that any form of atonement will never be enough to make you deserve an apologize from them. You can't handle the pain, the guilt, the regret. The fact that you can't change anything just makes you overwhelmed. In the end, you finally think you're better off die at this point because it's pointless to live with the fact that you can't change anything and gain back what you lost.

It's your fault.

You're not reading it wrong.

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault. Your responsibility. And by taking your own life just to end the suffering, do you think it will end there? Well if you do, then congrats! You won't feel anything afterward. But remember this before you even dare to do anything stupid. Even if there's nothing in afterlife, instead of getting rid the trouble you caused, you will make everything else worse. Who's gonna shed the tears from them who love you unconditionally? Can you imagine the trauma and sadness that would befall mum, dad, your brothers, your cousins, your close friends, and everyone else who have a feeling for you. Think again how they carry their lives because of your selfishness. Are you evil enough to make that decision? 

It's never too late, Rayhan..

It's never too late to change and fix your mistakes. 

By doing that, it doesn't mean you have to change what has already done. It's over and there's nothing you can do about the past. Leave it behind, and look ahead. Acceptance. That's the magic word. Accept and embrace it.

Don't expect people to forget and accept your apologies just because you tell them how you regret what you've done. It won't change anything, and the it can even reopen the old wound that's already been buried a long time ago. You don't need any validation from others to ease your heart. The only thing you can do is to pray for their happiness that one day someone else or something will heal the broken heart that once been shattered by you.

'To choose the path that would bring happiness to the person I love'

    -Kajikawa in Naoko by Keigo Higashino

To let them go and find their own happiness.  Because if something meant to be together, it will be.

And about you. Promise to me, promise to us. That you will never repeat the same mistake again. You won't let yourself down again by this unhealthy thoughts. Find your purposes and have a meaningful life. To take care of your parents, to help those in need, to be a man that you should be, and to be a true warrior. Be brave, fearless, face it no matter how bad it is. It won't be easy and you will find yourself fall sometimes, but I beg you please keep going on and hold on in this dear life. Because in the end, it will be all worth the pain and stakes. Life is precious and beautiful, so make sure you live your life to the fullest!

p.s. Remember this whenever you're feeling low. 

Now get back to your life and continue to live!

Bekasi, 11 Agustus 2025

Rayhan Khalid