blue watermelon

I slept late because last night some jerks out there were playing dangdut music out loud, yet somehow I still managed to wake up around six. Feeling a little bit hazy from the lack of sleep, I wondered if I should go back to sleep, but I didn't. I suddenly remembered my dream. It was about her. Well, I knew I would be fuck up for the rest of the day. When the trigger hit, there was absolutely nothing to do to make things better. Forget about slow breathing technique where you hold your breath for a few second, or giving yourself words of affirmation to put out your negative thoughts as in CBT, it just would not work. I'd tried once and it was a total disaster. I felt weak and powerless because it made me question about my masculinity. So, I just carried on with my life, trying to do something else to distract my thought. I decided to warm up by lifting dumbell. I did some sets with three repetitive each. The increased heart-beat, the pouring sweat, and the released endorphine s...

My father was scheduled to have an appointment a cardiologist this morning. I wasn't used to wake up so early on the weekend, but I had to. Moreover, mom already busied himself with preparing everything my dad's need. Gosh, the sunlight, it was stabbing. I thought I had an upset stomach for a while. Making sure I was already more than half-awake, I walked toward the bathroom and took a quick bath. Today was colder than the usual, given how cold the water was. We set off a little bit after eight by an online taxi. The sky was light blue, the sunlight shone gently, and the weather was warm with an occasional cold breeze. A perfect day to run I thought. Mum was doing the talking as usual with the driver, just to break the ice and avoid the awkward silence. I listened to them throughout the trip, discussing about life and stuff. Our car arrived, and we are greeted by the other patients and their respective relatives waiting for the appointment or prescripstion. Mom did all the admi...

It was Friday. I put on my helm and started pedaling my bike. Riding for about 40 kms, I crossed several states, passed hundred vehicles, and witnessed thousands of broken souls 'Mama I'm coming home...' The song had been stucked in my mind for a while. Hearing it last late night, made me long for my mother's presence more than ever. I was screaming internally, like a boiling water steam at 100 degree celcius without a way out to escape the kettle. 'Your son is a total failure, Mum.' Again and again. I blamed myself for being such a pathetic loser and a noisy quitter. I hate this fucking job, Mum, I was beaten up from working 9 to 5 job with low wages. I was so weak that I wish someone would kiss me on the forehead and told me that I'd done wonderful like you used to say when I made you proud with my academic achievements. That was what had been missing. Where was the last time someone appreaciate my effort and validate my irrational feelings? I didn't w...

When I think about Japanese culture (or maybe just the glimpse of modern pop-culture), I'm actually amazed by how my life has been severely influenced by it. Since the beginning of my childhood, I was already exposed to different types of entertainment such as watching anime like Naruto after maghrib prayer or Dragon ball in the weekend, collecting manga like Detective Conan, playing different console like Game Boy, Play Station, Wii and of course the game that has been launched by Japanese developer (Bandai, Konami, Sega, ETC). And when I reached teenager year, I also started reading novels written by Japanese writer. And maybe that was the turning point of my life where I thought of becoming a writer. I'd say I was destined by the kami-sama back then.  At that time, my house didn't have subscribe to any wifi provider and because of that, I didn't have the privilige to explore my interest while surfing the internet that much. Moreover, pre-paid internet plans at that t...

Now listen to me closely, Rayhan. I know precisely how you feel inside. The fact that I am you, and you are me. We are essentially the same person separated by the dimension called time. And because we know each other very well, I hope we can understand each other. Even if you're entirely alone in this world, remember you still got me. We can help and assist each other. Trust me, I've been there and I manage to get ahold of myself. Now take my hands and look into my eyes. We are going to face this harsh reality together, you and me. One by one, brick by brick. Don't look back or far ahead, just focus on taking a single step at a time. It will only take a minute or two to finish this text. It hurts right? When the thoughts keep coming back endlessly, making you wonder how long it would last. You get swoop by the hurricane and fall into a bottomless pit of remorse. The past haunts you, the mistakes you deliberately chose, the wrongdoings you committed, and the people you hurt...

Dear Old Rayhan, If you still get the chance to see the message I write to you back when you are still young and clueless about your own life, I'd assume that later in the future, the world will not have ended yet and you must be in a good condition (the fact that you have the leisure to surf through the old stuff on the internet). You could be 60, 70, or even 120 years old by the time you remember this goofy thing you do in the past. Maybe I know slightly how it feels to find this thing when you are closer to your death than your birth. Maybe. I think the closest experience to picture it is like finding a time capsule you buried when you're a still a kid under a tree at the backyard. I'm glad, you know? I mean, I should say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for still holding on in this dear life and not taking your own life (I wonder if in the near future government or human rights finally allow us to take our own lives and if whether there will be a painles...

If you expect something horrible like getting chased by a serial killer with a knife or surviving a zombie apocalypse with limited supplies, the answer is no. You're dead wrong. That's not the kind of dreams what I intend to talk about.  So what is it? The worst nightmare is when I suddenly wake up out of nothing in the middle of the night. It's almost pitch black inside except, the light from LED lamp outside that manages to penetrate around the edges of my window (parts that not covered by the thick curtain). My body temperature, I believe, gets up about one or two degrees, leaving my clothes drenched in sweat and my face turns puffy and oily when touched. I'm feeling a little bit hazy of what's going on and the slight dizziness on the right part of my head is killing me for a second. I move my limbs a little bit and notice how stiff my muscles are after staying in the same position for a while. I wonder if I should rise to my feet and treat myself with a fresh wa...

That was my final decision and it was not only based on a whim. People would mock me for being a coward and tell me I should act more like a man instead. They would say something like 'you have to find the right one and fight for her love'. No matter how much I disagreed with them even came up with some reasoning (or excuses they might say) why I thought of it that way, I wouldn't deny it nonetheless. What did they say, which I had to half-heartedly admit contain half-truth in it.  So why? If I concurred with some of their notion, what was the main reason then? Well, for once was too scared to lose someone again right now. I'd made mistakes in my life, I did hurt people, and when Kanye West said he was scared of the karma, so was I.  And also in this fast-changing and unpredictable world, who would have anticipated everything. 'At least you got someone who would be there for you' and what if they gave up on me? Because I couldn't guarantee that on that parti...

     I know it's kinda late to make your first blogspot at the age of 25. Blogspot is a year older than me, and I've known it since I was like 7 or 8, yet it never crossed my mind even just once to create one. I was reading a review of a book I've just finished reading on goodreads when I accidentally stumbled someone's blogspot. Man, it brought old memories seeing the oldschool UI (Especially those abundant time to surf through the internet as a kid on holiday)      And after pretty much consideration, I reckon it's a perfect time to start writing again (I haven't write anything substantial for a while because I always think that I lost a sense of touch). I know there are lots of another platform to create a web to express yourself, but I choose this particularly because of the nostalgia. Well, for instance I don't need anything fancy or multiple features that I won't use at all. As long as I can write and post anything I want, such as book-review, my o...