blue watermelon

I slept late because last night some jerks out there were playing dangdut music out loud, yet somehow I still managed to wake up around six. Feeling a little bit hazy from the lack of sleep, I wondered if I should go back to sleep, but I didn't. I suddenly remembered my dream. It was about her. Well, I knew I would be fuck up for the rest of the day. When the trigger hit, there was absolutely nothing to do to make things better. Forget about slow breathing technique where you hold your breath for a few second, or giving yourself words of affirmation to put out your negative thoughts as in CBT, it just would not work. I'd tried once and it was a total disaster. I felt weak and powerless because it made me question about my masculinity. So, I just carried on with my life, trying to do something else to distract my thought. I decided to warm up by lifting dumbell. I did some sets with three repetitive each. The increased heart-beat, the pouring sweat, and the released endorphine s...

My father was scheduled to have an appointment a cardiologist this morning. I wasn't used to wake up so early on the weekend, but I had to. Moreover, mom already busied himself with preparing everything my dad's need. Gosh, the sunlight, it was stabbing. I thought I had an upset stomach for a while. Making sure I was already more than half-awake, I walked toward the bathroom and took a quick bath. Today was colder than the usual, given how cold the water was. We set off a little bit after eight by an online taxi. The sky was light blue, the sunlight shone gently, and the weather was warm with an occasional cold breeze. A perfect day to run I thought. Mum was doing the talking as usual with the driver, just to break the ice and avoid the awkward silence. I listened to them throughout the trip, discussing about life and stuff. Our car arrived, and we are greeted by the other patients and their respective relatives waiting for the appointment or prescripstion. Mom did all the admi...

It was Friday. I put on my helm and started pedaling my bike. Riding for about 40 kms, I crossed several states, passed hundred vehicles, and witnessed thousands of broken souls 'Mama I'm coming home...' The song had been stucked in my mind for a while. Hearing it last late night, made me long for my mother's presence more than ever. I was screaming internally, like a boiling water steam at 100 degree celcius without a way out to escape the kettle. 'Your son is a total failure, Mum.' Again and again. I blamed myself for being such a pathetic loser and a noisy quitter. I hate this fucking job, Mum, I was beaten up from working 9 to 5 job with low wages. I was so weak that I wish someone would kiss me on the forehead and told me that I'd done wonderful like you used to say when I made you proud with my academic achievements. That was what had been missing. Where was the last time someone appreaciate my effort and validate my irrational feelings? I didn't w...

Please come back here for once I haven't had the chance to say a proper goodbye Leaving me dry, can you be more gentle? I was already parched without your presence And let us remember all the good old times Let the feeling drive us towards the unworldly heaven While the fear and bad dreams went ashtray And if you let me by your side For the last time before we part You don't want to know How badly I bleed Just to drown in your love  Just to taste your guts It's not perfect and we make it work We bite each other's skin But we also lick each other's wounds Because I know, you know Deep inside we're still lovers

When I think about Japanese culture (or maybe just the glimpse of modern pop-culture), I'm actually amazed by how my life has been severely influenced by it. Since the beginning of my childhood, I was already exposed to different types of entertainment such as watching anime like Naruto after maghrib prayer or Dragon ball in the weekend, collecting manga like Detective Conan, playing different console like Game Boy, Play Station, Wii and of course the game that has been launched by Japanese developer (Bandai, Konami, Sega, ETC). And when I reached teenager year, I also started reading novels written by Japanese writer. And maybe that was the turning point of my life where I thought of becoming a writer. I'd say I was destined by the kami-sama back then.  At that time, my house didn't have subscribe to any wifi provider and because of that, I didn't have the privilige to explore my interest while surfing the internet that much. Moreover, pre-paid internet plans at that t...

 *SPOILER AHEAD* This might be the latest Keigo Higashino's book I've finished so far. After reading Detective Gallileo Series and Kyoichiro Kaga Saga, and a few other books from him, there's simply nothing left to read since not every book written by him are translated to English (It's so unfortunate because in the past three week I've been binge-reading his book after book). It's about a gang of robbers who just leave the crime scene and accidentally choose a general store as a hideout after one of the gang member suggest that there's no one who live in the place. The three of them, Atsuya, Shota, and Kohei decide to lie low until the sun rise when something absurd happens in the store. It starts with a letter which is dropped from the letter box on the shutter. Thinking someone is toying with them, Atsuya goes outside to stakeout the place. Things get more bizzare when the letter keep coming back after Shota write it back and put it in the milk crate. At ...