Being in a hospital made me realize something

My father was scheduled to have an appointment a cardiologist this morning. I wasn't used to wake up so early on the weekend, but I had to. Moreover, mom already busied himself with preparing everything my dad's need. Gosh, the sunlight, it was stabbing. I thought I had an upset stomach for a while. Making sure I was already more than half-awake, I walked toward the bathroom and took a quick bath. Today was colder than the usual, given how cold the water was.

We set off a little bit after eight by an online taxi. The sky was light blue, the sunlight shone gently, and the weather was warm with an occasional cold breeze. A perfect day to run I thought. Mum was doing the talking as usual with the driver, just to break the ice and avoid the awkward silence. I listened to them throughout the trip, discussing about life and stuff.

Our car arrived, and we are greeted by the other patients and their respective relatives waiting for the appointment or prescripstion. Mom did all the administrative thing and it didn't take long for our turn before our turn. The doctor said dad's heart condition was gradually getting better so we could save the next appointment in the next two months. It was when I was waiting to get the presciption drugs with my dad I had the chance to observe a lot of things, a lot of different types of people. A mother trotting with walking frame, and elder with cane, and a young adult woman in a wheel-chair. Age didn't define your health condition, and everyone has their fair share of problems based on our genetics and habits. While those two things highly affected your overall wellbeing, it didn't determine when you were gonna die. You could live the healthiest lifestyle all you want, drinking water only, avoiding sugar and fat, exercising daily, not smoking and drinking, sleeping early, but unfortunately your body could malfunction at all times because we didn't know what really happened inside. 

Beside the physiological aspect, I also took an interest in their psychological aspect. I began to realize that certain people have different attitude toward their current state. A man was talking with his mother with joy, a single mother of two looked worried, and I.. was lonely. Then the thought struck me, that I might be the luckiest person in the hospital, that I was the person with the less responsibility. Mom did all the work to take care of dad when I was kilometers away, and our bills was covered by the government. Also at the age of twenty five years old, I hadn't married yet, or even a girlfriend, which meant I didn't have to bear that much responsibility of taking care of someone else beside my own parents. I bet people around me were suffering more, speaking financially or emotionally. I felt ashamed of myself, that I always thought the world was cruel and I was suffering the most. Why I was so arrogant and acting all almighty... I looked my dad in the eyes. He looked me back and grinned, yet he didn't seem to grasp what actually happens to him or everything around him. I should have grown up sooner and be the man of the family like you did. To take care, to protect, and to provide them when they needed me. 

I failed once again Dad... Look at your son. Self-absorbed with himself and never let his childish behavior go. Telling his loved ones to make them happy while he was still immature. How I was supposed to make her happy when I got nothing to prove. I had nothing at all and this mouth couldn't stop boasting meaningless words and promises. All that I say was all talk and no bite. Imagine, Rayhan, just imagine the worst scenario that could happen. If your loved ones suffering a terminal disease, and what would you do? You hadn't been stable financially and emotionally, so what could you do in that position?Would you still be able to make her happy? If you don't have the answer, so grew up. Focus on your career, pursue your goal, and control your emotion, so one day when the time comes, you will be able to be that 'man', to be the ubermensch.

I must do it all alone, tired, and unmotivated. I had to do it...

Fyodor Dostoevsky — 'Man is a creature that can get accustomed to anything, and I think that is the best definition of him.'