Mama I'm Coming Home

It was Friday.

I put on my helm and started pedaling my bike. Riding for about 40 kms, I crossed several states, passed hundred vehicles, and witnessed thousands of broken souls

'Mama I'm coming home...'

The song had been stucked in my mind for a while. Hearing it last late night, made me long for my mother's presence more than ever. I was screaming internally, like a boiling water steam at 100 degree celcius without a way out to escape the kettle.

'Your son is a total failure, Mum.'

Again and again. I blamed myself for being such a pathetic loser and a noisy quitter. I hate this fucking job, Mum, I was beaten up from working 9 to 5 job with low wages. I was so weak that I wish someone would kiss me on the forehead and told me that I'd done wonderful like you used to say when I made you proud with my academic achievements.

That was what had been missing. Where was the last time someone appreaciate my effort and validate my irrational feelings? I didn't want to hear that magic words no more. After all what had happened, I was afraid of affection, attachment, and dependency. With my current state, I would only hurt people again and again. But Mum, it was so fucking painful to be alone facing all the problems. So this was what it liked to face reality, something you have been confronting year after year Mum...

I wanted to see your smile as soon as possible, so I could convice myself there was nothing to worry about if I got you, so that I would find again the reason why I was still alive and breathing. That it would gives me will-power, carrying the world in my back like Atlas as long as you were my Gaia. Mum, I promised I would be strong each day without anyone else's support. I promised I would stand on my own feet and keep fighting alone. I promised I would make you happy and proud of having me, your own flesh and blood.

And had you ever thought about how fast time flies and we barely realized taht we had been going through a lot together for a long time, hadn't we? We'd debated and shouted over trivial matters, even seeking common ground was out of question. We'd turned our back, letting ourselves estrange for months. We had failed to understand each other. Life sucks, life's hard, and life's absurd, but that wasn't going to change the fact that you're still my mother, Mum. 

No matter how much you disappoint me, no matter how much you break my heart, no matter how much you left me in despair, I would always love you. I would always need you in my life.

'Cause mama, mama, I'm coming home...



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