Weird feelings and how to continue living.

I slept late because last night some jerks out there were playing dangdut music out loud, yet somehow I still managed to wake up around six. Feeling a little bit hazy from the lack of sleep, I wondered if I should go back to sleep, but I didn't. I suddenly remembered my dream. It was about her. Well, I knew I would be fuck up for the rest of the day. When the trigger hit, there was absolutely nothing to do to make things better. Forget about slow breathing technique where you hold your breath for a few second, or giving yourself words of affirmation to put out your negative thoughts as in CBT, it just would not work. I'd tried once and it was a total disaster. I felt weak and powerless because it made me question about my masculinity. So, I just carried on with my life, trying to do something else to distract my thought. I decided to warm up by lifting dumbell. I did some sets with three repetitive each. The increased heart-beat, the pouring sweat, and the released endorphine slightly made me feel better. I cleaned up myself and continue learning Japanese afterward.

Three hours had passed. Several songs had been playing on repeat, mostly The Beatles and The Smiths. I'd been studying particles and conjugations. It was easy overall, but the challenge was to remember the several different pattern and some other exceptions for every word. I got bored, so I took a quick rest. In my free time, I checked up on Dad. Dad tried to tell me something. He kept pointing on his diapers. Oh god, it was full and the his piss already made a pool itself. I helped him to sit, took off his shirt, and went to the toilet to get some cleaning kit. I washed his body with a wet cloth, absorb the urine with dry cloth, and then put a new shirt on him. Mom came in, and she didn't like what she see. She was definitely in a bad mood today. I understood her madness; looking out someone while having to take care of the household everyday must be exhausting. She yelled at dad, telling him that he should at least tell us if he wanted to piss so we could bring him to the toilet. She kept going on, pointing out this and that, looking not to stop any time soon. Mom was taking it a little bit too far and I just clammed shut.

Soon, I found out I was right. Dad was crying. It was the third time I saw him crying in my whole life. The first one was when he had a fight with mom that almost led to divorce, second was when I was accepted as a college student in a public college in Jogjakarta, and this was his last. I couldn't say anything. Mom apologized and tried to cheer him up. We realized that it must be also hard for him to suffer in this condition. He could barely anything, spending most of the time laying on the bed. Half of his brain was practically dead, so I bet he found out it was hard to understand things and consume his energy a lot. Even if he didn't understand everything, I thought he could still feel our emotion. And deep inside, he probably feel helpless. It was the worst feeling ever for men; being in a state where you're dependent to others and can't do a thing on your own. I... didn't expect this at all. My heart was already full of tight knots and with the incident I'd just experienced with my own eyes, I couldn't help but feeling low. 

It was hard to process and by trying to forget what just happened only made the matter worse. I had to be strong, at least in front of them. Because if everyone in this family gave up hopes, only time would tell when everything would crumble. I left the room, got back to my study, and blasted the loudest music on my earphone. Listening with full volume, I tried to focus on writing a sentence in hiragana. My thoughts was out of control. Most of it was about giving up life and wish I was dead, but I chose to man up and keep trudging forward. The storm felt unbearable for sure, but it didn't mean it would last forever. I had to stand still just a little bit longer. Nothing last forever.

Weird feelings. Weird feeling to having all the endless thoughts at once. I missed her. I needed her. I felt like a failure. I felt guilty of hurting her. I regretted my past. I couldn't stand looking at dad. I can't stand the expectation and the burden I had to bear. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Those were weird feelings, and all of it proved that I was still a human. I was still a human who could feel and that was the important thing...

To continue living no matter how hard life gets, because you believed life was worth it. I just have to survive today and leave the rest for tommorow to think about.

Please. dont. give. up.