A Letter to My Future Self

Dear Old Rayhan,

If you still get the chance to see the message I write to you back when you are still young and clueless about your own life, I'd assume that later in the future, the world will not have ended yet and you must be in a good condition (the fact that you have the leisure to surf through the old stuff on the internet). You could be 60, 70, or even 120 years old by the time you remember this goofy thing you do in the past. Maybe I know slightly how it feels to find this thing when you are closer to your death than your birth. Maybe. I think the closest experience to picture it is like finding a time capsule you buried when you're a still a kid under a tree at the backyard.

I'm glad, you know? I mean, I should say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for still holding on in this dear life and not taking your own life (I wonder if in the near future government or human rights finally allow us to take our own lives and if whether there will be a painless way to die and leave this world peacefully). Whatever the reason is, I'm proud of you because you choose to live your life. Just to make sure you remember clearly why at this point, this version of you, view the world through a pessimistic lens, is that the fact I lack meaning. Yes, and the root of emptiness when you start questioning about your life. Absurdism, Existentialism, and Nihilism. I think the that's the end of it pinnacle of philosophy and the development of this field is already stagnant, like a chemical reaction that already reach its equilibrium. There's simply nothing new. Several people choose to go back to old Greek philosophy such as stoicism to control your own mind and how you perceive things or epicureanism to maximize you wellbeing and avoid any form of pain. If it works for them, I've got nothing to say. It's funny how thousand of years throughout human history many people avoid the notion and just blindly believe in some cult and many scholars tried to find the answer the most essential question about life just to find out that there's no answer to it. It reminds of one of Kungfu Panda scene where Tai Lung spend most of his youth to train hard and even several years in prison just for a scroll. He patiently wait, and when the time comes and the scroll is finally his, how shocked he is when he realize there's nothing in it but your own reflection. From what I learned watching that scene, first, you can choose to be mad and go ballistic because you're feeling betrayed. In another words, you deny the reality, the truth. or second, simply accept that there's no meaning or magic and you're the one who responsible to define your own life, your own purposes and meanings in life. You're looking outside to find it when in the end, the thing you seek is inside yourself. The goal is ultimately yourself.

Enough with the meaning of life itself. There are a lot of things I want to ask about you, or about myself in the future, or should I refer ourselves with the pronoun 'we' since we are still the same being, blood and flesh. It's kind of hard to pinpoint where to start exactly, so maybe I could just start whenever something crosses my mind.

First and the foremost, How's Mum and Dad? I don't think that Dad would live long enough. It's not like that I hate Dad. I love Dad for sure. Remember Dad has a stroke? half of his brain already doesn't function anymore because of the clog. It's almost a year since he got diagnosed for the first time. I feel bad for him. If I paid more attention to my surroundings, maybe I could see the sign of impairment on his right hand. Also if somehow Dad is still alive, it means there will be major breakthrough in the medical world. Even if it's possible, I wonder how you guys manage to afford that kind of privilege. Even some scientists from China or America find away to cure the damaged brain, it should be expensive right? Or maybe one of us, either me or one of my brothers, become very successful in their career path. 

And Mum... I always have a hunch that Mum will live past eighty, considering she lives a healthy lifestyle. That's very unlikely of Dad. She always wake up in the morning to prepare for the family and sleep early. She does cooking, cleaning, and washing, and it's good for her muscles and bones for sure. The only things that make me a little bit afraid of her overall wellbeing is her recurrence vertigo and rheumatic. Moreover, the reason why I think my Mum will be live longer than my Dad is because I think she already accept her fate. Trust me, It will make you less prone to another medical issues.

If Dad or Mom or Both of them are still alive at your time, please say hi from me and tell them I love them so much and promise will take care of them until my last breath. Thank them for always looking out for me.

To my future brothers, thank you so much of being a good friend to me. I grew up with them and I'm truly grateful for it. Our age gap isn't too big so I think that's why we get along well and relate to so many things. To my big brother, which I used to refer him as Abang, How is he? I wonder if he still working as a graphic designer, or you go back to your dream of being a painter? I never tell him this before but I always admire your paintings, since I was still a kid. I bet he doesn't even remember that. It was when I was in 5th grade in elementary school. At the time, I chose painting as my secondary extracurricular. I was never able to produce something good. Like it was always lack of what you call aesthetic and harmony. Even as a kid painting, it should at least hold a bit of art. But mine was a total disaster, like an adult trying so hard to paint like a kid. I think it was Saturday when he took an interest on the canvas and water-based paint. We both painted together and our little brother just stood by our side (prolly because he was too young to understand). And when I saw it, as a little brother I didn't feel envy but a big admiration towards him. He definitely have the inborn talent. If Dad was still in his peak at his job, I wonder if you can focus solely on harnessing your career as a painter and having not worried about money at all. Oh, how about Neny? Does he finally manage to marry her beside our grandfather opposition to the marriage with another believer? Frankly, I think he does. I can look the determination in his eyes. Please tell him I feel grateful for being my big brother. He got my back multiple times and helped me when I failed my life and at the lowest point of my life. I'll always remember that moment when we talk about how messed up I was. 

And to my little brother, which I used to refer him as Ade. Having a big brother of my own didn't make me a good big brother to him. I failed to play the role like my big brother did to me. When I thought of it, I was never there when he struggled with his life, especially in his school life. My mind was too occupied with my own life, my own problems, that I forgot the fact world didn't revolve around me. For example, if my brother always got what he want because Mum said that I had to respect my own big brother and I had to give in to my little brother because Mum also said he was just a kid, I always unleash my anger to my little brother because he was helpless. I punched him once just because my relatives was watching me losing a game to him. We were playing PES/Winning eleven and he managed to score a goal. The pressure took place and I couldn't play normally so my little brother just pressing O to clear the ball until the referee blew the final whistle. It happened in a flash and he was crying on the floor, holding his face. The others were trying to comfort him and the mood shift. I could tell from their eyes how pitiful I was. Immature. Oh, I also slapped him because he accidentally bumped into me. He ran away from home and called my Mum that he won't be coming back. I didn't realize how much I was being a jerk back then. If only I could help a little bit and be his friend, I'd gladly take the chance. And yet even without my help, he made it and thrived to become a man on his own. I used to think that you will never grow up, and right now I could probably more mature than me at least. I'm so proud of him.

Lastly, let's talk about us, shall we? Are you happy with your life? What is it like? Am I struggling with life financially and are the wave of depressions still coming sometimes? Are you finally accept who you are and what happened to you? Do I finally forget her? Do I finally meet someone beside her? Is it someone that I've already known or is it still a total stranger to me right now? And are we married? Even kids? or we think is it better to let go of each other and live with our own lives? There's too many possibilities and scenarios of course. So, let's move to something we can grasp, which is ourselves.

Are you still living your healthy life? Like running and cycling? Any marathon you've completed or do you manage to ride from Jakarta to Jogjakarta with a bike? And how about your sleeping problem? I find it hard to sleep at night because this excessive energy left no matter how tired I am that day. At least please tell me you're okay.

And I guess you still read books in you leisure time. No matter how much fun the other form of entertainment, I think you will stick to your old habit of reading a book. Do you finally become a writer? This time I doubt it myself. Sorry but I'm being realistic. Even if you polish your writing and reach the level of top writers out there you will be overlooked and forgotten in no time. Because the rise of AI will only make people more lazier than ever. Reading a book takes time and they will say it's not an efficient way to learn something. The thing that they forget it, is not about gaining something. It's about feeling something.

I think it will take forever to ask about myself. So I think it's best to keep all the questions for another time. And whatever will happen to you. Please be okay because living your life no matter how suck it is is truly worth it. Take Care Old man! 

Your bestfriend,
Rayhan Khalid