The Worst Nightmare. Ever.

If you expect something horrible like getting chased by a serial killer with a knife or surviving a zombie apocalypse with limited supplies, the answer is no. You're dead wrong. That's not the kind of dreams what I intend to talk about. 

So what is it?

The worst nightmare is when I suddenly wake up out of nothing in the middle of the night. It's almost pitch black inside except, the light from LED lamp outside that manages to penetrate around the edges of my window (parts that not covered by the thick curtain). My body temperature, I believe, gets up about one or two degrees, leaving my clothes drenched in sweat and my face turns puffy and oily when touched. I'm feeling a little bit hazy of what's going on and the slight dizziness on the right part of my head is killing me for a second. I move my limbs a little bit and notice how stiff my muscles are after staying in the same position for a while. I wonder if I should rise to my feet and treat myself with a fresh water to quench my thirst, but I guess it's too much burden. 

I tried to find my phone in the darkness to make sure of the exact time. It's half past two. I try to regain my consciousness and figure out what happened. Oh, I just fell asleep and now I woke up. That's all. Nothing serious or unexpected. There's a lot of things that you should do today and the day is not even started yet. The deadlines are incoming so you better go back to sleep. All I have to do is close my eyes and think about nothing. I wish everything was as easy as that. I mean, everything's okay until the lingering thoughts hit me.

It can be anything, sad or bad memories, to resurface, but most of the time, it's about my childhood and my college days. I cherish the moment when I was still a kid. Innocent, naive, and curious. Innocent for not knowing anything, naive for believing anything that has a hint of romanticism in it, and curious about others' businesses.

Some of it was unpleasant, like how I was getting punished by a teacher when she found out I hid my friend's socks (My best friend snitched me outs) or when I got scolded when everyone at school was seeing me climbing like spider to get my friend's shoes that was stuck at the concrete extension on the third floor. Man, I was so alive. It's all good when suddenly I remember those dark days as a college student. Every year was a mess, freshmen, sophomore, junior, senior, and the extended years. 

I'd find myself struggle to make friends. While social bond is one of the basic human necessities and approaching others is natural for most people, unfortunately I was so bad at this game. If I look back from the past and draw a line throughout my life, I realize I've never been good with establishing a prolonged relationship with anyone. I lost contact with my elementary school friends as soon as I went to junior high. The same thing happened when I graduated to pursue a higher degree of education. I'd say there were multiple external factors like I moved a lot to different house because my parents were struggling financially, or the fact that I was so overwhelmed with how social media works and how to create your persona on the internet, or it's just I couldn't relate with what's going on and what's trending and what hobbies/interests that would make you easily start a conversation with anyone else. The more I grew up, the less connections I had with them. And I thought it was just because we simply grew up and we would select a few friends that we could relate to. But I have to admit that I was kind of lazy to maintain a friendship forever. It never occurred to me to reach others first and make the first move. Putting a pretext and wearing a different mask for different person tires me out for god's sake. I thought I was being true to myself, but I was just being lazy to fit in society and blame everyone for being a phony.

At least I still remember every moment with them, goofy things we did together, secrets and dreams we shared, and promises that we already forget. When I think about it right now, I wonder if I ever slipped in their memories when they encounter something in daily life?

After years of isolation and self-confinement in my bedroom, It's getting worse right now for me to create a meaningful relationship with another human being. Old friends, I miss them of course but most of them are already settled in. Either they have found the love of their life or making a path for their career. Some already got married, some already have their second child, and some I don't really know what they are up to. 

I already make peace with myself, and I think having no close friend is not that bad. I'm used to being alone at this point. If I have something on my mind I'd only have to talk to myself or write something in this blog. If I experience a gut-wrenching emotions, I'd succumb myself listening to sad songs and hang in there and stay a life, surrounded in a battlefield inside. 

There's only one thing that still haunts me. It's worst of the worst. is to remember how I hurt the people who try their best and sacrifice their selves to love me unconditionally, to understand me without questioning, to heal my deep scars and traumas with their tears. Instead of being grateful to them, I did the total opposite. I was a bad seed. I behaved like I was treated unfair by the world. I blamed them for the mistakes I did in the past. I told them to go away while they tried to pick up the left-over pieces of love that I shattered. I deliberately showed my contemptuousness that should be directed at myself. I toyed with their feelings with betraying their trust and honesty, and, and it's their physical body which I hurt, but rather their beautiful soul which I tainted with my bloody hands. Words are not enough to picture how hideous I am.

And at this point, in the silence of the night, I always ask myself. Do I still deserve to live my life as a human after all the bad things I've done in life? I can't bear the burden of thinking how much lives I ruined back then. I hope that something good come upon them, their hopes and dreams come true, and they will meet someone who will make their life complete. If that truly happens, it's not gonna change the fact that I have to bear the burden of hurting people for the rest of my life. And it's also not gonna change the fact I'll still be a sinner, even if I atone and do penance until my breath. 

What could I say? A spiritual approach won't help me and any kind of constructed social atonement won't change my mind.

I don't deserve to be loved or to love anyone else anymore.

I must suffer as a consequence of my action, not as a form of getting back what I lost.