blue watermelon

Hopelessness they said might be the greatest misery of fools for love is all they play when no other lies remain to believe I'm no fool, that's for sure okay I lied where's the cure can't help but tripped on an invisible thread  and forever trapped between the jester's web Never truly alone in solitude yet feeling so lonely in despair finding salvation in another's arms for their bodily sensation and its warmth loud moans beneath the full moon's glow a desperate yearning for closeness grows taking the role of dry tears with echo of voiceless cries too bad it won't take long before all the tricks unveiled and the nightmares haunt right away just how can one fill another's half-empty heart without first learning how to be whole and how can one mend another's broken soul without first finding their own role

I slept late because last night some jerks out there were playing dangdut music out loud, yet somehow I still managed to wake up around six. Feeling a little bit hazy from the lack of sleep, I wondered if I should go back to sleep, but I didn't. I suddenly remembered my dream. It was about her. Well, I knew I would be fuck up for the rest of the day. When the trigger hit, there was absolutely nothing to do to make things better. Forget about slow breathing technique where you hold your breath for a few second, or giving yourself words of affirmation to put out your negative thoughts as in CBT, it just would not work. I'd tried once and it was a total disaster. I felt weak and powerless because it made me question about my masculinity. So, I just carried on with my life, trying to do something else to distract my thought. I decided to warm up by lifting dumbell. I did some sets with three repetitive each. The increased heart-beat, the pouring sweat, and the released endorphine s...

My father was scheduled to have an appointment a cardiologist this morning. I wasn't used to wake up so early on the weekend, but I had to. Moreover, mom already busied himself with preparing everything my dad's need. Gosh, the sunlight, it was stabbing. I thought I had an upset stomach for a while. Making sure I was already more than half-awake, I walked toward the bathroom and took a quick bath. Today was colder than the usual, given how cold the water was. We set off a little bit after eight by an online taxi. The sky was light blue, the sunlight shone gently, and the weather was warm with an occasional cold breeze. A perfect day to run I thought. Mum was doing the talking as usual with the driver, just to break the ice and avoid the awkward silence. I listened to them throughout the trip, discussing about life and stuff. Our car arrived, and we are greeted by the other patients and their respective relatives waiting for the appointment or prescripstion. Mom did all the admi...

It was Friday. I put on my helm and started pedaling my bike. Riding for about 40 kms, I crossed several states, passed hundred vehicles, and witnessed thousands of broken souls 'Mama I'm coming home...' The song had been stucked in my mind for a while. Hearing it last late night, made me long for my mother's presence more than ever. I was screaming internally, like a boiling water steam at 100 degree celcius without a way out to escape the kettle. 'Your son is a total failure, Mum.' Again and again. I blamed myself for being such a pathetic loser and a noisy quitter. I hate this fucking job, Mum, I was beaten up from working 9 to 5 job with low wages. I was so weak that I wish someone would kiss me on the forehead and told me that I'd done wonderful like you used to say when I made you proud with my academic achievements. That was what had been missing. Where was the last time someone appreaciate my effort and validate my irrational feelings? I didn't w...

Please come back here for once I haven't had the chance to say a proper goodbye Leaving me dry, can you be more gentle? I was already parched without your presence And let us remember all the good old times Let the feeling drive us towards the unworldly heaven While the fear and bad dreams went ashtray And if you let me by your side For the last time before we part You don't want to know How badly I bleed Just to drown in your love  Just to taste your guts It's not perfect and we make it work We bite each other's skin But we also lick each other's wounds Because I know, you know Deep inside we're still lovers

When I think about Japanese culture (or maybe just the glimpse of modern pop-culture), I'm actually amazed by how my life has been severely influenced by it. Since the beginning of my childhood, I was already exposed to different types of entertainment such as watching anime like Naruto after maghrib prayer or Dragon ball in the weekend, collecting manga like Detective Conan, playing different console like Game Boy, Play Station, Wii and of course the game that has been launched by Japanese developer (Bandai, Konami, Sega, ETC). And when I reached teenager year, I also started reading novels written by Japanese writer. And maybe that was the turning point of my life where I thought of becoming a writer. I'd say I was destined by the kami-sama back then.  At that time, my house didn't have subscribe to any wifi provider and because of that, I didn't have the privilige to explore my interest while surfing the internet that much. Moreover, pre-paid internet plans at that t...

 *SPOILER AHEAD* This might be the latest Keigo Higashino's book I've finished so far. After reading Detective Gallileo Series and Kyoichiro Kaga Saga, and a few other books from him, there's simply nothing left to read since not every book written by him are translated to English (It's so unfortunate because in the past three week I've been binge-reading his book after book). It's about a gang of robbers who just leave the crime scene and accidentally choose a general store as a hideout after one of the gang member suggest that there's no one who live in the place. The three of them, Atsuya, Shota, and Kohei decide to lie low until the sun rise when something absurd happens in the store. It starts with a letter which is dropped from the letter box on the shutter. Thinking someone is toying with them, Atsuya goes outside to stakeout the place. Things get more bizzare when the letter keep coming back after Shota write it back and put it in the milk crate. At ...

Now listen to me closely, Rayhan. I know precisely how you feel inside. The fact that I am you, and you are me. We are essentially the same person separated by the dimension called time. And because we know each other very well, I hope we can understand each other. Even if you're entirely alone in this world, remember you still got me. We can help and assist each other. Trust me, I've been there and I manage to get ahold of myself. Now take my hands and look into my eyes. We are going to face this harsh reality together, you and me. One by one, brick by brick. Don't look back or far ahead, just focus on taking a single step at a time. It will only take a minute or two to finish this text. It hurts right? When the thoughts keep coming back endlessly, making you wonder how long it would last. You get swoop by the hurricane and fall into a bottomless pit of remorse. The past haunts you, the mistakes you deliberately chose, the wrongdoings you committed, and the people you hurt...

*SPOILER AHEAD* When I first read the book synopsis to know what it is all about, I was quite taken a back. A mother and his daughter catch up in an bus accident because a human error. His husband, Heisuke, comes to the emergency room, to see his wife take her last breath. At least I still have my daughter, Monami, he thinks at first, but he will never expect what was waiting ahead of him. As his daughter emerging from a comma and slowly regaining her consciousness, the first thing she tells her husband is that she is Naoko, her wife, trapped in his daughter's body. The book, or maybe the writer, has what it takes to turn the story in wrong turn in so many ways. Yet, I'm truly fascinated by how the writer present it in a careful way without omitting realistic details that likely to occur in real life.  It starts from the confusion of why Naoko's mind takes control inside Monami's body. Having no concrete answer to it and no logical explanation, they believed that their ...

I'm holding a blue scarf That you deliberately left years ago in my room Breathng your left-over scent I slowly go back to us As I stumbled on the parched meadow Entagled in our memories I saw you from afar standing still dressed in khaki flared dress and chocolate tassel loafers 'I miss you' I said And you said nothing Silence was enough To fill our lonely hearts Still with the blue scarf in my left hand I drapped it on your bare neck Over the gold chain We hugged and kissed There's nothing else but us, me and your shadow in the past

The sun sets and light escapes Darkness takes place dan where's the moon? Don't dare to close you're eyes Or else you gonna miss it Wear your worn-out shoes You can't stay here forever Even there's nowhere to go Stood still in the no man's land Wonder and wander Believing in fake reality Please leave this place Anywhere but there I'm tired of living under the illusion Now I can't see anything but the green pale moon Barely lit the way and you are my lost The only salvation amidst the void No more question, you are my Aomame

Dear Old Rayhan, If you still get the chance to see the message I write to you back when you are still young and clueless about your own life, I'd assume that later in the future, the world will not have ended yet and you must be in a good condition (the fact that you have the leisure to surf through the old stuff on the internet). You could be 60, 70, or even 120 years old by the time you remember this goofy thing you do in the past. Maybe I know slightly how it feels to find this thing when you are closer to your death than your birth. Maybe. I think the closest experience to picture it is like finding a time capsule you buried when you're a still a kid under a tree at the backyard. I'm glad, you know? I mean, I should say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for still holding on in this dear life and not taking your own life (I wonder if in the near future government or human rights finally allow us to take our own lives and if whether there will be a painles...

     *SPOILER AHEAD* For the past two weeks, I've been hooked on reading Keigo Higashino's works. It's kind of funny because I stumbled on one of his novel by accident while I was looking for another Japanese novel to read. Suddenly my mind tugged to the point where I was still a college student at a university in Jogjakarta. Class was still hours before it started, so I decided to kill time by going to Gramedia. I haven't bought anything from here for months because of my financial situation back then, but I'd love to swarm the giant book store and gaze at those thousand books which was placed tidily on the shelves. Standing on one of the shelves, I grabbed a book because of its unique cover (I know, I know.. Judging a book by its a bad thing to do, but let's just say it was a hunch, a feeling worth to trust). All of them were still sealed so I just googled it and found a pirated version of it. As a began reading for like thirty minutes, I was mesmerized by how...

If you expect something horrible like getting chased by a serial killer with a knife or surviving a zombie apocalypse with limited supplies, the answer is no. You're dead wrong. That's not the kind of dreams what I intend to talk about.  So what is it? The worst nightmare is when I suddenly wake up out of nothing in the middle of the night. It's almost pitch black inside except, the light from LED lamp outside that manages to penetrate around the edges of my window (parts that not covered by the thick curtain). My body temperature, I believe, gets up about one or two degrees, leaving my clothes drenched in sweat and my face turns puffy and oily when touched. I'm feeling a little bit hazy of what's going on and the slight dizziness on the right part of my head is killing me for a second. I move my limbs a little bit and notice how stiff my muscles are after staying in the same position for a while. I wonder if I should rise to my feet and treat myself with a fresh wa...